Way to the NBA

                        The Way to the NBA

What is a difference between a Miami heat player and a baby? The baby will stop whining eventually! Although whining is generally thought of as a negative thing, it is one of the many essential ingredients of a successful NBA player. Even though hard work, basketball skills, speed, strength and perseverance are important if one wishes to achieve NBA greatness, there are many other requirements that are much more important.

            First, in order to get into the NBA, proper attire is compulsory. During the game, there is the standard apparel that all players wear. NBA players wear a jersey adorned with their organization’s colors and logos. Long shorts, required to be past the knee caps in todays NBA era, also display team colors and logos. If you really want to be a big shot in the NBA, attainment of a shoe contract is necessary. Every star player has their own unique line of stylish footwear complete with multi-million dollar shoe contracts. Before and after the game the fashion styles of NBA players get more and more strange. Last year, during the NBA Finals, Dwayne Wade was spotted wearing a fancy polo shirt tightly tucked into red denim jeans. I guess he didn’t get the memo that he was going to the NBA finals, not to school. At a postgame press conference last year, Russell Westbrook sported a sail patterned flannel shirt. One article of clothing that all NBA players must wear are the rimless glasses. These glasses look normal except for the absence of a glass lens in the middle of the glasses. These glasses serve no other practical purpose except as a fashion statement considering that all the players that wear them can see perfectly fine. Basically, invest in a pair of rimless glasses, then go into your wardrobe and look for the most ridiculous clothing items that you possess, and wear them. It is important to establish your own personal fashion statement if you expect to survive in the NBA.

            Second, being stupid is a plus. Erase everything from your brain except for basketball knowledge. Neither Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, nor Dwight Howard wasted their time obtaining a higher education in college. Star point guard of the Chicago Bulls, Derrick Rose only spent one year of his life at the University of Memphis. Another good tip is to do as many stupid things as you can before and during your tenure in the NBA. Javale McGee, universally known as one of the most bone-headed players in the entire NBA, ran to the one side of the court when the play was still occurring on the opposite side. Metta World Peace proceeded to climb up into the bleachers in order to viciously beat up a fan that had taunted him. In a more recent stint, Metta World Peace celebrated a successful basket by brutally elbowing James Harden in the back of the head. Impressive IQs do not make great NBA players, so it is highly encouraged that all aspiring NBA players focus solely on basketball, and get all that academic junk out of their mind.

            Next, just about every NBA player has a vast majority of their body covered with tattoos. If you hope to achieve NBA greatness, it is highly recommended that you get your arms adorned with tattoos as soon as possible. The minimum requirement is getting full arm tattoos, but, if you are like Kevin Durant and your arms are too small, there is plenty of space on your stomach and chest to meet the requirement. If you really want to be good, you can try to emulate Chris Anderson, affectionately known as “Birdman”. Anderson has a full assortment of colored tattoos printed all over his white body. If you want extra style points you can pull a Delonte West. West sports several stylish neck tattoos, perhaps displaying the names of past girlfriends particularly Gloria James. No matter where or what you tattoo on your body, the simple presence of tattoos is essential for an aspiring NBA player.

            Additionally, all aspiring NBA players must master the art of flopping. Flopping can be defined as grossly exaggerating contact. There are several different techniques for flopping, all used in different situations. During a fast break situation, when you are on the defensive side of the ball, wait until the offensive player has almost reached the basket. Simultaneously, slide out of the way of the barreling offensive player and fall backwards. For good measure, add a death scream and a grimace on your face. Make sure you stay toppled on the floor for at least thirty seconds to develop the affect that the offensive player injured you. Another situation in which flopping is recommended, is when you find yourself on the receiving end of a pick-and-roll. When a player comes to set a pick on you, forcefully thrust your body into the chest of the offensive player, then topple backwards using the same techniques as the first flop. The last situation in which flopping is compulsory is when you miss an easy lay-up. To avoid the embarrassment of botching an easy shot, you should do whatever is necessary in order for the referee to call a foul. This could include screams, grimaces, faking an injury, exaggerated falling, or a combination of the four. Developing a talent for flopping will make you a useful asset on the floor because you will be able to force turnovers and get to the free throw line frequently.

            Next, in order to be in the NBA, passing cannot be in your vocabulary. Passing is a metaphor for wasting away self glorifying moments. Besides, the more shots that you take, the more points you will have. Points are obviously the most important part of the game, so do whatever it takes to rack up major point values day in and day out. No matter how many people are guarding you, always remember that passing is one of the biggest mistakes an NBA player can make.

            Further more, in order to make the NBA, you must complain about every call. Even if it is blatantly obvious that you are wrong, always cite your case with the referee. NBA referees are extremely weak willed, and are prone to changing their minds freely if you have even a slightly reasonable argument. The first step to complain to a referee is to get up into his face. This will intimidate the referee, increasing the likelihood of him giving you a favorable call. The second step is to present your argument in a clear forceful matter. The more animated your face is and the more threatening your voice tone happens to be, the more likely the referee will agree with your side of the story. If these two steps fail, even though they hardly ever do, this is where bribing becomes extremely useful. Offer the referee a new car, five digit money values, or a date with your girlfriend. The NBA executives make it a point to hire the most biased and fixed referees, so there is zero chance that you will get in trouble for bribing. Perfecting the technique for swaying the referees will once again make you a useful asset on any team because you will be able to get favorable calls that will benefit your team.

            Finally, in order to make the NBA, you must always travel on every play. Lets be honest, referees are blind to the abundance of travels occurring every game in the NBA. When you go in for a drive, always make sure to take at least five steps without dribbling. When you receive a pass from a teammate, take a moment to set yourself without dribbling the ball. When you finally decide to make your move, take two steps without dribbling then dribble once and finally don’t dribble for the five steps required to get to the basket. Traveling masters have almost a zero percent chance of getting caught and help out their teams by getting a lot of easy buckets.

            In conclusion, making it into the NBA is extremely difficult. One must perfect the entire assortment of the above requirements if they hope to obtain NBA greatness. One must wear proper clothing and get tattoos. One must be extremely stupid and only have basketball knowledge in their cranium. Finally, one must perfect the arts of flopping, not passing, complaining after every call, and travelling. Everything people have told you about how to make the NBA is wrong. Perfecting the steps that I have laid out is the most foolproof way of obtaining NBA greatness. I encourage you to watch some NBA games, because you will see that most of the good players in the league posses all the skills that I have listed.