Our kids introduce us to many new things as they grow older, especially if you're a new parent.
Aside from the routine changes that come with kids, there's also the social alterations we all make to accommodate them. While far from the rule, going out is likely more rare an event than it was B.C. - Before Children. And when it does happen, most of us are apt to hang out with friends or co-workers.
That's where the kids come in, as they are now our door to new people: teachers, coaches, parents and other kids.
Teachers and coaches have a job to do, and their roles are essentially limited to helping your child learn and grow. Like them or not, you live with the cards your dealt.
Other parents and kids, well, that's where things can get dicey. What if you like your kids' friends, but not their parents? What if you'd rather your kids find some new buddies, but you wouldn't mind grabbing dinner with his or her parents?
Moms, tell us your thoughts and stories about the realities of these types of relationships.
That being said, my kids have plenty of "friends" who I cannot stand. More often than not, it's because of the parents. I see the children exhibiting behaviors that their parents also do (i.e. swearing, lying, cheating, bullying, etc.). In cases like that when they were younger, I would talk to the friends about it and explain that it's wrong (and why). I didn't ridicule or punish them as that's not my job. I also explained what behaviors are acceptable and what aren't in my care. Now that they're older, that's getting to be more difficult. There are more kids who have bigger, more disrespectful mouths on them, making it more difficult to explain these things. Now, I just give them the mom stare and they don't behave that way around me. So far that's been working. As for the parents, I again keep contact to a minimum. Very rarely have a seen a case where I dislike the child, but like the parents. Of course, very rarely do I dislike a child, though there have been a few....
Now, if there are kids at our house playing and their parents are not around, I have no problem with suggesting alternatives to behavior we don't allow in our home. Maybe it's the teacher in me. And so far, at this age, there haven't really been any issues...the other children are responsive. But all of this does lead me to an issue that I have trouble with--others, especially family members (often without children of their own), "correcting" my children in my home, while I am right there. For example, we may have someone over for dinner, and my boys aren't fans of what we are eating. I'd prefer our guests not interfere in the ensuing discussion (and possible fight) that is sure to occur...my husband and I can handle it, thankyouverymuch! I know they think they are helping, but, all it does is get ME fired up.
Making intelligent early childhood friendships are essential to your kids' developmental years. My wife and I were often surprised how one child might be the sweetest thing, but had parents we didn't appreciate, while another might be a terror (or bad influence) with a mom and dad we loved. In the end, it comes down to how you want your kids to be influenced by their friends, AND, interestingly enough, their parents, as your kids will spend time with them in their homes while you're not there. Having made some poor friend choices myself as a kid and teen, I knew the importance of good friendships and made sure to talk honestly with my kids about sensible friend-selection -- even as young as four and five. Honesty and truth go a long way with kids, especially when delivered with an ample dose of love. Actually this honesty methodology was initialized at much earlier ages than we expected when, much to our astonishment, our kids encountered racism, violent behavior, thievery and even a propensity for parents to allow kids to watch adult-themed programming and movies at their homes -- and these were families we thought we knew. From toddler through teens, we've always been honest about right and wrong, then trusted them to make good choices. Thankfully, for us, it worked.
It's really all that we as parents can do to be honest, teach them honesty, integrity, respect, and critical thinking....then hope and pray.
I want to respond to your "teach . . . then hope and pray" point. One important thing I left out: Teaching your kids HAS to be a two-way street. As early an age as possible, you want your kids to know that you're open enough be taught by them, too. It's a wonderful feeling to be the prime influencer in your kids' lives when they are very young/pre-teen. Oftentimes, it seems they almost worship your intellect and standing -- like you can do no wrong. But as we all know, hormonal development and environment/friend choices can change all that at adolescence. I highly recommend a parent be WIDE open to learning from their kids before adolescence. This allows them to see that you are NOT to be worshiped, you are a human who can make mistakes and, yes, even learn from a child. This is helpful when at 13 your teen comes home and pronounces that a friend has suggested a new way of thinking on a subject that differs from what you've taught -- basically saying "My friend's right and you're wrong." Rather than this being a shocking breach of the system, you can sit with your teen and rationally discuss it with them -- let them convince you that the friend is right and you are wrong, rather than vice versa. Profoundly different parenting style that works wonders. We started this method at about age 8 or 9. Basically said, "Grousing won't work, you need to teach me why I should change my opinion." We all learned a lot. . . still do!
Love, love, love this topic. Why can't we be paid to be parents? Best job in the world!
Best and worst at the same time, Jim....but the rewards FAR outweigh the risks. Wow, that would be really nice if we could just make parenting our only full-time jobs, lol.