Quid est veritas? What is truth?
Bluster County is filled with strange, but exciting truths not found in ordinary communities. Here you will hear old men tell old American Tall-Tales -- except these are completely true, more or less. Filled with half-truths, bald-faced lies, and the occasional fact, expect not to learn much of anything that's important.
So I thought I'd lay down a few facts, a few truths, those things so important that you can feel a little more secure each morning.
- It's not real. There is no Bluster County. Check Google Maps. There are all sorts of counties, whether Cook, DuPage, Will, McHenry -- all wonderful counties. There is, however, no Bluster County. Not here. Not there. Not anywhere.
- Of course it is real. Ignore the first thing. Who said it's not real? Don't believe a word he said. Haven't you been paying attention? Bluster County is here. You need a map to tell you where you are? Of course not. You are standing in it. Unless you are sitting. Or kneeling. Or laying. You get the idea.
- The sun rises an inch higher here than anywhere on the planet. Meteorologists confirm this. Something to with B=(D+TxH(.5))+(+/-(Lxl)), whatever that means. The important thing is that it is sunny today. If there is a cloud in the way, so be it. It is still sunny. Take look behind the cloud. I think you will find the sun. Report back if this is not, in fact, the case. If you can measure how high rises at the highest point, you'll see that I'm right about the extra inch. You will need a 92 million mile long tape measure. Try the hardware store.
- Blusterocentrism. This basically is the scientific theory that Bluster County is the center of the universe. It isn't really a theory; it's a fact. It presumes of course that wherever the edges of the universe are, they point directly here. Since I am here, and everything at its farthest point is equally far, it must be true.
- Butterflies can talk. To hear them, they must speak directly in your ear. They don't always do it, but when they do, you should listen. They've been places and have seen things. Most are smooth talkers, con artists or salesmen in the insect world. That's why they are called butterflies. It is a peculiar thing, and if you don't live in Bluster County, you probably think I'm nuts, but you should hear what the butterflies say about you.
- There are all kinds of things living between the books in the library, and even on your shelf at home. They are very small and very thin so all you see is the book. They came with the bookshelves. There is not much to say about them except that they are the good guys. Mostly, they dance between the big letters on the title page and are scared of roaches. I'm scared of roaches too, so I understand.
- Do not close the chimney in a crematorium, even if it is no longer used. The ghosts, understandably, don't like it. They like to come and go as they please and doors just aren't their thing. If you do, weird things will happen. That is their thing.
- Goldfish can be blue. And why not? Have you have seen a gold fish? Of course not, they are orange, or sometimes black. Never gold. Just be sure to know why. Color is not your biggest concern, so to speak. Size is. Big blue goldfish aren't as cute as you might think. Sometimes it is better that “the big one got away.”
- When two huge baseball players collide, there might be fireworks. It's true. Think of it like striking flint against stone, only more so. I realize this seems preposterous, and in most places where baseball is played, it would be, but not in Bluster County. It only happened once a long while back. It was such a momentous occasion, fireworks became a regular event after home runs to remember those two men.
- Elephants used to live and do battle here. Or wooly mammoths. Something huge with a trunk and tusks. Either way, things grow well in Bluster County. Great gardening. Green lawns. It is not just because of the incredible sunshine. There were a lot of elephants. A lot. That's why. That's all I should probably say on this matter.
These are the days in Bluster County which cause me to smile, and I would live nowhere else. The sun rises an inch higher here than anywhere else in the world, making every day brighter. Click here to read my other tales, and here to contact me. I would love to perform these strange tales to your group.
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