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Bluster County Blues: The Boy Who Hated Doing Everything

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Every town has its bad boy. Bluster County has a few. If you have been around, you know about the Rebecca Boggs situation (who is as bad as any boy you can imagine), and, of course, the Waldman brothers. The previous generation had to deal with Kenny McGillicutty and all that happened at his school. Somehow, these kids grow up to be bankers, butchers and shopkeepers. No one knows how, but they do.

But occasionally, a boy will show up who is not so much bad, but he is certainly is not good, and he is more than completely selfish. More peculiar than bad, but again, not good. There is a boy, Jeremy, you should know about. He lives over on Downs Road, near the old water tower.

Jeremy Jeppers hated doing everything. That is, almost everything. He loved to dream about great adventures fighting house-sized dragons, navigating the darkest forests, and flying into thunderstorms with his jet. No matter how harrowing the challenge, Jeremy was always the hero.

Every day, his father would ask him to pick up his things. His bedroom floor would be covered with cars that raced the Indy 500 nightly, and books about mountain climbing and moon landing, and his favorite broom handle/sword for dueling pirates.

He would always reply, "No, I would rather not do that."

His father, a good man, was also stern, and would look straight into Jeremy's eye and say, "Yes, you will." So Jeremy would do whatever needed doing, but he hated doing it. All the while, he would complain and grumble, hoping someone would hear his pain, and let him off the hook. No one ever did.

One morning, when he was 11, in the thickest part of August -- when it is so hot the mosquitoes aren't biting, his mother said, " I need to go to Mrs. Billaby's house to borrow some sugar. I might visit with her a few minutes. While I am gone, could you answer the phone, and answer the door?" He said nothing, and she left.

The plumber called. Mr. Jeppers had asked him to fix a leaky drain in the upstairs bathroom.

But Jeremy let it ring. He was busy doing his favorite thing: Nothing.

So the plumber kept calling. And then, he stopped by, and rang the doorbell. The plumber, ready to work, brought his tools, from wrenches to extra washers.

But Jeremy let it ring. He was busy doing his favorite thing: Nothing.

So the plumber sat under the honey locust tree in the yard, ate a sandwich, and took a nap.

The Connies (officially called the Constitutionals), the baseball team from nearby McLean County, rang the door bell. Their bus had a flat tire in front of the Jeppers' house. They needed to call the service station (no one, strangely, had a cell phone).

But Jeremy let it ring. He was busy doing his favorite thing. Nothing.

So the team waited in the lawn, practicing throwing and catching.

The fire department called. They found Tuna Salad, Jeremy's gray and white kitty, high up in a poplar tree on Lincoln Avenue, and wanted to bring her home.

But Jeremy let it ring. He was busy doing his favorite thing. Nothing.

They pulled their big red truck into his driveway and gave his door a knock.

But Jeremy let them knock. He was busy doing his favorite thing. Nothing.

So the fireman put down Tuna Salad, which quickly ran over the plumber and up the Jeppers' honey locust tree to look at birds soaring by. The fireman sat on the steps, and looked at pictures of his new baby boy.

The mailman rang the bell. He carried a big red package--too big for the mailbox. It was an inflatable boat for playing at the beach.

But Jeremy let it ring. He was busy doing his favorite thing. Nothing.

So the postman left it on the porch and went to the next house.

Mr. Jeppers came home for lunch, but forgot his key, so he rang the bell.

But Jeremy let it ring. He was busy doing his favorite thing. Nothing.

So his dad grabbed his baseball mitt from the garage and started playing with the Flying Bears.

Finally, Mrs. Jeppers came home with the sugar she borrowed from Mrs. Billaby. She looked at the plumber, the fireman, the cat, all nine baseball players (and their coach), the mailman next door, the boat, and saw Mr. Jeppers with his mitt while wearing his best suit chasing fly balls, and opened the door.

There was Jeremy, sitting on the floor, doing nothing, while water dripped from the sink upstairs.

What a selfish boy, she thought. What should we do, she asked Mr. Jeppers?

Mr. Jeppers thought. Mrs. Jeppers thought. Then, they talked. They decided to send back the boat, give away Tuna Salad to one of the firemen, invite the plumber in for lunch (after he fixed the leaky faucet), let the Flying Bears use the phone to call a service station, and sent Jeremy to his room for the afternoon. He went, and did nothing until dinner time.

After dinner, he asked, "May I have dessert?" which, this night, was his favorite: rainbow parfait.

There was one thing Jeremy liked a lot: eating rainbow parfaits. Mrs. Jeppers made them with five flavors of gelatin: strawberry, lime, lemon, grape and blueberry, all topped with a big dollop of vanilla whipped cream and a glazed cherry. Cherries, as you ought to know, are very, very popular in Bluster County.

Mr. Jeppers said firmly, "Did you help the plumber, the fireman, the baseball team, or the postman? Did you answer the door and phone while your mother was gone?"

"No," said Jeremy, sadly. His father sent him to his room.

And so, Jeremy spent the evening busy doing his least favorite thing. Nothing -- and had nothing for dessert.

  • These are the days in Bluster County which give me the blues, but I would live nowhere else. The sun rises an inch higher here than anywhere else in the world, making every day brighter.
  • Anthony Trendl

    3:33 pm on Monday, September 26, 2011

    An image of Jeremy was built on an old favorite poem. Poor Jeremy, though, missed out on real life adventures.

    The Land of Counterpane
    by Robert Louis Stevenson

    When I was sick and lay a-bed,
    I had two pillows at my head,
    And all my toys beside me lay
    To keep me happy all the day.

    And sometimes for an hour or so
    I watched my leaden soldiers go,
    With different uniforms and drills,
    Among the bed-clothes, through the hills;

    And sometimes sent my ships in fleets
    All up and down among the sheets;
    Or brought my trees and houses out,
    And planted cities all about.

    I was the giant great and still
    That sits upon the pillow-hill,
    And sees before him, dale and plain,
    The pleasant land of counterpane.

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